Good morning!

Well Well Well….

It's weird why I always start my journal with "well". Well, you might consider it a kind of a warm up exercise J

Last night before going to sleep I read that Farah Fawcett died. I said: well, ok. This morning I woke up and first thing I read was that Michael Jackson is dead.

Wow!! These two hit the bucket on the same day!?

It's not a big deal I know, thousands die a day but maybe because these two are celebrities so we come to know about them. However, it seemed to me at first glance that death is actually lurking outside the door for these people.

Anyways, this is not what I wanted to talk about but it gave me an intro to the thing I want to write about today which is: condolences.

I cannot seem to understand the importance of condolences to people. I just simply don’t get it. If someone near and dear to me died I would be going through the sadness dilemma and want to be left alone. Why on earth would I care if someone passed me their condolences or not. Quite the opposite I would just want to be left alone because I want to grief in my own space and at my own time.

What happens is the opposite, if someone dies, you find everyone you know or don’t know, everyone who cares or doesn’t care inside your home sitting, staring, whispering, invading your privacy, messing up your home, sucking all the air, ruining your natural cycle of grief that every person should go through if they are to get over the loss of someone they love.

And noooo, at our part of the world this suffocating ritual lasts for 3 long long long days. For God's sake!!! If I want to sob, I want to hit my head against the wall, if I want to break every dish in the house and then pray to God that He undo this I wouldn’t be able to. Simply because the Outsides are here.

Now, I know that this may not apply to all people. I know. Some of you or maybe all of you would say that people come in good will to make it easier for me to handle the pain. They are there to support me and not to suffocate me. Some of you might say I need them when I bury the dead. Well, true but tell me how many of the crowds that come care about me or even I find condolences with?? As for funerals, they can come bury the dead and simply go home instead of waiting for lunch to be served. And let us not go into the fact that I, as a female, will not be able to attend my father's funeral for example. God forbid!! I am a female and don’t have the right to see my own father buried but male strangers do.

The way I see it is that first I need to grieve for sometime and regain my strength. Next, I can call the few I might find their company consoling to come over for support. Much later, when some of the initial feeling of loss has taken the back seat then I will be sober enough to handle anyone who could come, to thank them for their sincere or insincere condolences; in other words I would be somewhat ready to put on the mask of fake thankfulness.

I know that these are just personal opinions that I don’t share except with very few people out there. I might dare to even say that my opinion in funerals is much similar to my opinion in weddings. The only difference to me is that the costume in one is black and in the other is white.

However, I know that this is just jibba jabba but my only hope behind it is that someday, long after I'm dead and buried the old fashioned way, someone out there would stumble upon this journal and share this opinion with me. And for this one I would say: "Don’t feel bad for me, at least I am dead now and someone else has to put on the mask!".

And yea, for those of you who don’t share this opinion with me I say: Please do not come to offer condolences when I am dead. This way you are making sincere condolences by respecting my wishes.

Adios!

alaA

Good evening,

Long time no see, no?!

Yes I have not been feeling the desire to write or read anything lately. But anyways, it is my webpage and I do have the leverage of freedom when it comes to write or not to write.

I think it would be nice to give an update about my life, that might trigger something!

I am still working for that NGO; everything is great when it comes to that. Nice people to be around and nice atmosphere. I couldn’t ask for more.

I got engaged or married depends on how you look at it.

I am taking lessons for my driving license. It is weird though. I had those dreams in the past when I saw myself driving a car although I didn’t know how. Now I know how so I don’t think I will have those dreams again. Inshalah.

I am going to London-UK on 8 Feb 09.

What am I going to do in London???

Cairo-Egypt was fine since all people there relate to me in away. They all speak Arabic and Cairo tastes like a city for Arabs after all. But London is another story!!

The good thing there is I will be able to have loooooong walks without anyone disturbing me. That is such a great advantage. I always thought that talking about women's rights is such a rubbish till a woman can walk in our streets without a clumsy jerk who cannot control even his own tongue harassing her. I stopped feeling angry or mad of those jerks in our street for sometime now. I try to think of it this way; if this so-called person cannot control the slightest impulse anyone could have-and that is opening one's mouth- then how on earth I can blame such a being!! I cannot but feel pity for this highest in quantity-lowest in quality cattle of beings.

To tell the truth, when I first heard that I have to go on this trip I felt so depressed as I hate traveling and being away from home. However, now I couldn’t feel more the need to get away from everything. I hope this feeling will last till I get on the plane as I tend to be fearless of anything when I have these kinds of feelings.

Anyways. That's it. May you all live in peace of mind.

Take care.

alaA

“I have never imagined that I will be “husbanded” "

“Husbanded?”

“Yes. To become that kind of wife that “listens and obeys” ”

“What’s wrong with listening and obedience when it’s right?"

“I am not talking about right and wrong. I am talking about my right to have the final word in every decision that relates directly to me.”

“To have a partner is to have someone that shares everything with you, even tiny small decisions related to you. Now the question is, do you want a real partner or just someone who says yes when you want to hear it and keeps quite when you don’t ask for anyone’s opinion?”

“I do want a partner. Just I don’t want to be fully absorbed in this partnership because I know better how suffocating it gets with time. I am not used to being obedient. Plus, partnership means having equal say in everything not blind obedience.”

“Exactly. Then your partner should have an equal say even in the things that relate directly to you.”

“Yes. We have equal says but I should have the final word when it’s something directly related to me.”

“What’s this? Another trend of fake democracy?! If you are going to have the final say then what is the need for equal says in the first place!!”

“It’s already getting suffocating .”

“It’s finally getting logical.”

Good evening Ladies and one gentleman (Yahya), 

Tonight I am going to talk about something that has been on my mind for sometime now. I wonder whether you would agree with me on this or not since you might think that my point of view is bit harsh. Let me start with offering my opinion:

I have always believed that Death is the Grand Leveller. People are only equal when they are dead. That is a fact to me that no one can argue. Please do not tell me that people are all equal as in the United Nation's liberties statute joke. We are not and we will never be. Yes. As simple as that. Don’t be sad. At least that should give you a reason to long for Death people. See? Death is not that bad after all!!  

The aforementioned unshakeable belief of mine has been challenged lately when some accident took place in Amman some while ago. A young man of almost 16 to 17 years old was killed in a car accident. I cannot say I imagine the greatness of loss for the parents of this young man because no matter how I try, I would never be able to.

However, the deceased young man happens to be the son of some "important" man here in Jordan. It is natural to expect the "heaviness" of the mourners. But what is Not natural in my opinion is the greatness of the fuss that followed this accident. Such a fuss would not have happened if this young man was the son of someone else.

I am not trying to be insensitive or harsh but it is something really worth thinking of for a moment. All newspapers and media have joint hands to condemn car accidents and reckless driving and all "expensive" voices have been raised to finally put an end to such a "phenomenon" as some people like to call it. Has it not been a "phenomenon" before this tragic accident? How did it develop to become a "phenomenon" if not for the overwhelming carelessness that preceded the death of this young man?

I am not saying that this young man's life is not precious; not at all but quite the opposite; his life was so precious I believe but were also the lives that were lost before the loss of his. How many lives were lost before and no one uttered one single word about it? I heard no "expensive" voices before on radio or television condemning car accidents as I heard since the death of this young man. Were his bewildered parents the only parents that tasted the bitterness of losing a precious son or daughter? They have been struck by the most sadistic misery of all but have also the rest of other parents. The only difference is that these two's misery has been heard and seen while all others suffered in suffocating silence.

Although this rich and royal fuss has been unfair to those who lost hundreds of loved ones before, it has a positive impact. I cannot deny what so ever that the outcome of this sudden uproar is definitely a welcomed one. Sometimes I tend to believe in the atrocious "the end justifies the means" when no harm is caused intentionally or unintentionally to anyone. In this case, the emotional harm is outweighed by the end, I guess.

My point behind all of this, there is something inside me that prevents me from offering my maximum empathy when it comes to this accident. Perhaps it is because I internally refuse to let social stratification reach the grand and only leveller between people, Death.

At last, here is a sonnet I enjoy: 

Death Be Not Proud

John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have callèd thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which yet thy pictures be,

Much pleasure, then from thee much more, must flow

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones and soul’s delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings and desperate men

And dost with poison, war and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Adios,

alaA

Good evening,

Here I am back. It has been snowing a lot today. I thought I like it when it snows but today I have changed my mind. Between trying to persuade my mom to stay at home and not go outside to clean something and Yahya who never listens to a word I say when I tell him to go back home and not go to work, I am done with snowfall!

So, I am in the middle of two things I was planning to talk about. So let us flip a coin and see what it says:

Here we go. I really flipped a coin and it says let us go with the following topic:

She received an invitation the other day. She was stunned when she opened it and read what it said. It was an invitation to a Khula (khul3) celebration.

She was amazed. She read it over and over again and could not believe what was written on the invitation card. The celebration was supposed to take place at one of the biggest hotels in Amman.

Although still relatively under shock, she decided to go and see with her own eyes if that was true.

She kept thinking all the way how a woman could make a celebration for such a thing and not just any celebration! She kept wondering how that woman could invite all of these people. Inside, she was thinking that either that woman got insane or simply utterly silly. 

*****

 She arrived at the hotel. There were a lot of women there. All celebrating as if the occasion is exactly the opposite. She saw the woman. She made up her mind she would ask her directly what was all of that insanity about. Was it a desperate measure to prove to all people she did not care about that sudden separation from a husband she lived with for ten years? Didn’t she realize that everyone would think exactly the opposite? How could she do something like that! She could not believe at all although everything was infront of her eyes.

Finally. She spotted the woman sitting alone in a corner. She went to her to say hi but inside she had all intention to ask that question.

The woman greeted her with a big smile but still she sensed that beneath all that merry celebration and fake smiles there was a painful truth.  

*****

 She plainly asked her: "Can I ask you a question you may not like?"

The woman replied: "Is that question going to ruin my happiness today? I intend to stay happy all day long. This is a special day for me."

She said: "Okey then. I won't ask. My question would for sure do the opposite."

The woman replied: "What the hell! Nothing would ruin my joy today. Go ahead. Ask."

She finally asked: "When did you get insane?"

The woman sighed and answered: "You want to know? Sit then and I would tell you all." 

*****

 "I got uncomfortable because of his too many sudden trips taking along with him his secretary everywhere he goes. Every time I asked or complained, the fast ready answer came: "Business!". Later on, found out that he has been married to his secretary. They have been living as a wife and a husband for two full years. Despite my hurt pride and bitter feeling of mere stupidity I pulled myself together and confronted him calmly. Again, another fast ready answer came: "You have everything you need". I did not argue his logic. Ten years of empty answers were enough to me at that point. I replied with one word: "Divorce". He instantly replied: "Never!" I asked: "Why?". Once again, that fast ready answer popped up on the surface: "It is bad for Business".

 …….

 I was determined not to submit for that stranger. I got my Khula against his wishes.  

*****

She asked: "Why is this huge celebration then?"

The woman replied with a bitter triumphant smile: "How then would wives of the other "businessmen" hear about it!!. Remember? It was all about Business."

********************

 Adios,

alaA

Hi everyone

Here I am after such a long time. It is really weird. I have been nagging to make a new webpage for ages and when I finally had it, that desire to write something disappeared. I don’t know what it is to tell you the truth. Is it life or is it simply me!!!

I remember once my friend bushra eloquently put it this way:

"It is like when I want chocolate. I keep nagging over the heads of everyone for chocolate and once I have it, I don’t want it"!

That is so true and so real, at least to me. I have to admit that I have been like this for sometime now to the degree that I started to bore some people around me, lose some of the confidence I have in my abilities and more saddening, waste my life.

I don’t know where that is coming from. I actually don't. The problem is that I don’t feel like wanting anything at all in the first place. Well, not quite true because I do want some things but not to the degree of offering other things in return. Let me be honest, for example, I do want a job but I am not ready to put up with the ignorant arrogance of some bosses. I know this is a reality in every job and it is ignorance to suppose that all bosses have ignorant arrogance. However, this is what I choose to "feel" not think let us say to be on the safe side.

What worries me the most is that frustrating feeling of not wanting anything that badly and not longing for anything anymore. It is really frustrating more than you can think. It is somehow scary when you start feeling the pointlessness of this life. There is Afterlife. But think of it this way: if I am unable to long for life so how about Afterlife!!

I miss that feeling of wanting something or waiting for some stage to begin or end. There are some things that I am still waiting for but for a similar unreasonable feeling I feel it is so burdening to be enthusiastic about them because after all they might not come true or they might take much more time and patience than I thought. So why bother in the first place to wait for something that might or might not happen and even if it did, no way of making sure it would be the way one expected it to be. I know!!! Complex and depressing!! Tell me about it!! You are reading it so how about the one who is feeling it.

Now I might have some precious voice telling me: "You shouldn’t be feeling this way". Here is the point where I usually feel that my inner self is screaming inside me!

You just said it:

"Feeeeeellliiiiiing"!

I firmly believe that there is a big difference between "feel" and "think" and everyone should be aware of this. You might tell yourself what to think but it is impossible to instruct it what to "Feel".

Anyways. I am hoping that is some temporary stage that will disappear after sometime. I sure do hope so because I loathe that feeling and it is getting worse with everyday.

God! I have really become so boring and so cynical that it is actually sickening to talk to me. It is depressing talking to me, isn’t it?

Thank God I have no credit to call you endoti. My friend in joy and misery!! I

At the end, "all well that ends well" but inshalah it ends well.

Adios

alaA

P.S I wrote this last night but today I feel much better thanks to that precious precious precious voice!

Hi…

What should I call you? Yes. You. You who have been kind enough to visit my webpage and enter my journal. I really don’t know what to call you. Shall I say "Hi people"? I feel it is bit disrespectful. I know we are all people. But there are "nice" people and there are "bad" people so it is little bit unfair to call all of you just people. But then, who said life is fair!! You got a point. Still, I don’t want to call you people. Shall I say "Hi guys"?! I don’t think so. There is someone out there who believes that "guys" is directed only to the opposite sex so also talked myself out of using it. What shall I call you!! Help me out here. Come on. Take your shoes off and tell me what shall I call you friends?

Take your shoes off.

Yes!

I was thinking of that idiom "let your hair down" and decided that I am going to use "take your shoes off" instead. Well, I find it more logical. Isn't it?!

Personally I feel much more relaxed when I take my shoes off especially if they are high heels and it doesn’t make much difference to me if I let my hair down or not. It is much more logical to me to use this phrase! I wonder if anyone has used it before?!

Okey. Let us get into business. I know I am supposed to write some journal in here. I know I should and I have many things on my mind but still something is missing. So I said there is no harm to talk to myself little bit in here. After all, I have been sitting all alone for the past 6 hours and this place needs someone to warm it up. So, I am here.

I am still on and off about putting in here my old journals. I don’t know. On one hand, they are dear to me. I wrote some of them in very good spirits. On the other hand and building on the idea of moving to a new home, would I want to take old junk to my brand new home?! I still don’t know. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. Again, take your shoes off and tell me what you think if you may. It would help.

That's it for now. Inshalah next time when I am here I would have something to talk about and feel the need to let it out. Hope all of you are having a nice time at this particular moment. Have a lovely night all of you and thanks for stopping by.

Adios,

alaA

“Honestly, here I am, with my days literally numbered, giving importance to remarks made by people I’ve never even seen before, people who soon I’ll never see again. And yet I suffer and get upset, I want to attack and defend. Why waste the time? “

I have always tried to convince myself, console myself that "I will never meet them again". Or more foolishly, "No one will know about it but me". For God's sake! It is precisely this "me" that hurts the most. The hardest thing is to fall short infront of your own self.

“She was confused, tense, irritated with herself. She had never allowed herself to be provoked; she had learned from early on that whenever a new situation presented itself, you had to remain cool and distant.”

“People will always consider us a happy couple, and no one will know how much solitude, bitterness and resignation lies beneath the surface happiness.”

My worst fears.

“I can’t believe it, I never used to be like this. I never used to fight over stupid things.”

I never want to fight for things or people that are not worth the pain of fighting. Never will I fight over anyone. Especially those who are worth it.

“When she had achieved almost everything she wanted in life, she had reached the conclusion that her existence had no meaning, because everyday was the same. And she had decided to die. “

Above quotes in Bold are taken from "Veronikia Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho.

*One of my old journals.

Well, I am alone now, no one to talk to. So, I thought why not talking to myself!!

Some people say that this is crazy, is it? Is talking to someone’s self considered to be a sign of insanity? I cannot see how. Anyways, if that is insanity then I am proud to say: I am insane!

I promised to talk about donuts or doughnuts. I think I lost that enthusiasm I had a month ago. I got that enthusiasm after I went out with couple of friends to some café which serves donuts. Well, I felt like those poor people who have lived all of their lives in a desolate village and once they come to visit the city they go to a 5 star restaurant where everything has a sophisticated French name to indicate civility or “class”!

I kind of felt like that with the difference that the café was a miserable one with too many customers (most of them are smokers) and certainly it is not even a half star place. In addition, unfortunately I don’t come from a desolate village.

What made me get that feeling is the sophisticated name every kind of donuts has. I have to admit, I always avoid going to such places so that I don’t look like an idiot with my ignorance of such sophisticated names.

I am not a donuts person! I feel miserable after eating them: calories! So why on earth am I obliged to memorize such names to indicate my civility!!???????????

The point is I cannot understand why they give such simple things such complicated names!

I refused to get up and order. I made my friends do it since they are more familiar with such weird names. I sat there staring and wondering what was the point behind giving donuts such names!

I always hated those fancy places where everything is so unnatural even people themselves. They appear to me as they are made of crystal, walk with an artificial indifference to indicate that they care for nothing and no one in a hopeless attempt to look sophisticated. I am talking here about Arabs in specific. It is hilarious when they start walking in a certain way and look around in a specific way which –according to them-may grant them that classy look that they are dying to have.

That is so stupid. A person has class if his/her personality, her/his thoughts, his/her behaviors are classy in nature. Money is great, yes I won't deny, but for God’s sake it cannot buy you a new “YOU”!

I don’t know why I always start talking about something and I end up talking about a whole different thing. I am indeed a confused person. 

About donuts again, it is one of two: either, next time I go to such cafes, will get up, be bold and point to the kind I like best. People may think I am “vulgar” or something but tell that to someone who cares!

Or, I will swear I will never go to such places without accompanying someone who is fully acquainted with such creepy names and get a signed paper in advance that this person will order for me whatever I want without any complaints.

Adios,

alaA

*One of my old journals.

I wanted to tell u this story like 2 months ago. I read in the newspaper that a Saudi woman has made her husband marry her best friend. As you know a Muslim is allowed to marry more than one (on specific grounds our men don’t pay attention to).

I was stunned to hear that thing. The “first” wife says that she and the “second” wife have always been best of friends since childhood and "more than sisters". Just after the “first” wife got married, their relationship got little bit cold because the married friend, naturally, had to go on travels with her husband and commit to her new married life. And since the second one remained single, there came up differences between them because their life became different.

So the BRILLIANT “first” wife came up with an idea:

So that she saves her friendship with her friend she convinced her husband to marry her best friend so that they can ALWAYS be together.

What a brilliant woman is that!

God!! Nobel Prize isn’t too little for her???????

The “first” wife claims now that she is so happy because she and her best friend became close again. They would be able to go traveling again with their ”mutual” husband. They can go out together, and share everything, including of course the same husband!!

What a friendship is that!!

 Pardon me my dear readers of this journal, but I can swear that this woman is one in 10 million!! I am amazed really. I never imagined that such a brilliant, a brilliant., a brilliant female idiot can exist. Indeed amazing!

What kind of thinking is that?! In order to save her friendship she goes and donates her husband????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know people but I cannot but think that this woman is not straight. There is something wrong with her. For sure!

Endo is my best best best friend!! She is my sister. Let us imagine that Endo got married before I do. For sure Endo would get busy and we wouldn’t be able to get together as before. Does that mean that Endo can share her husband with me in order to save our friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Endo would never do that. For one reason only and that is Endo is a straight intelligent and bright girl. She has a mind that weighs the mind of 10 million Arab males. Other reason is that I know Endo loves me too much to do this to me. Plus, Endo and I know that I would NOT expect nor accept such thing ever ever ever!!

So would you for God’s sake tell me what’s wrong with these two women!!

You know who is the winner in all of this insanity??????????

The husband!!

However, he is a winner temporarily since it is a disaster to marry two insane women at the same time.

I don’t believe that those two “clever” women would be friends for long now!

Who wants to make a bet?!!!!!!!!!!

Adios,

alaA

P.S

This is one of my old journals.